Eugene H. Squidward (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
Eugene H. Squidward Synopsis - Spongebob challenges Squidward & Mr.Krabs to swap roles for a day. Mr.Krabs doesn’t find being sandwiched between two idiots fun and Squidward has to live up to Pearl’s needy demands. Characters Spongebob Squarepants Squidward Tentacles Mr.Krabs Patrick Star Pearl Krabs Pearl’s Anchovy Love Interests Smitty Werben Jager Man Jensen (TV only) Sea Urchins Gary The Snail (voice only) The Story The story begins at the Krusty Krab on a slow day. Squidward is just lazily watching TV and further adding on prices to the Krusty Krab Electricity Bill. Mr.Krabs sits at a nearby table just angrily watching his money be wasted on Squid’s Interpretative Dance Programs. Finally he blows. MR.KRABS: Oh just stop watching that stupid program of men in tights already! SQUIDWARD: Clam up Mr.Krabs! This is quality, top of the line, entertainment! MR.KRABS: Pfft yeah, for people who don’t have a life, like you. SQUIDWARD: What’s that supposed to mean?! MR.KRABS: You should recognize by now that ye will get nowhere in the arts and your forever destined to be part of me crew counting change! SQUIDWARD: Oh is that so? Your one to talk Eugene! Your money problem has gotten way out of hand! You have 61 Self Storages just to store piggy banks full of birthday money! MR.KRABS: 62! SQUIDWARD: Whatever! Mr.Krabs gets up and begins heading for his office. MR.KRABS: You know what! I have had it Squidward! I am sick of you criticizing me of being a cheapskate! A little girl just came up to me the other day saying that she needs money for food. So being the good individual I am, I helped her not get robbed and for her to tell me that she does not need me money! Via Reverse Psychology! SQUIDWARD: Wow, that is really impressive, not. MR.KRABS: Don’t define your artwork Squidward. SQUIDWARD: You don’t know how the art process goes! MR.KRABS: And ye have no clue how to maintain money! Spongebob then pops out from the Kitchen window and comes up with a good idea. SPONGEBOB: I JUST GOT AN IDEA! How about you two swap roles! SQUIDWARD: What?! MR.KRABS: Come again me boy? SPONGEBOB: Mr.Krabs can come to Squidward’s house and see how awesome his life is! SQUIDWARD: We’re you really serious about the awesome part? SPONGEBOB: And Squidward can go to Mr.Krabs’ house and do whatever can be done there! MR.KRABS: Hmmm, well I could try and see what Squidward has to put up with. SQUIDWARD: I suppose I can try and see how much money Mr.Krabs stole from Goodwills. SPONGEBOB: Perfect! Let’s get going now! MR.KRABS: At closing time! SPONGEBOB: Closing time it is! The scene cuts to 6 PM, it is closing time and the three characters exit the Krusty Krab. Mr.Krabs begins walking with Spongebob to Squidward’s house while Squidward has been given Krabs’ boat keys to drive to the anchor. MR.KRABS: Something is telling me this is not going to go too swell. SQUIDWARD: Wait? Does Mr.Krabs have WiFi? Wait, he doesn’t pay his internet bills! Barnacles! Spongebob & Mr.Krabs arrive at Squidward’s house. Mr.Krabs tries to enter but the door doesn’t budge. MR.KRABS: What gives?! SPONGEBOB: Squidward always likes to hide his key under his doormat! Mr.Krabs lifts the doormat up and finds a key. He opens the door. MR.KRABS: Well see ye tomorrow me boy. SPONGEBOB: See ya Mr.K! Spongebob skips off home while Mr.Krabs shuts his door and investigates Squid’s place. MR.KRABS: Okay I’ll admit, Squid does have a nice house. These potted plants are nice, the TV is a huge flatscreen! Much larger than my crank back home! Oh my Neptune! The Fridge is full of food! And there are stairs and not rope ladders! This might not be so bad after all! Mr.Krabs goes up the stairs to go and sleep in Squidward’s bed. Somebody then looks inside Squidward’s back Kitchen Window and creepily peers in. It is Patrick Star. Squidward parks the boat outside Krabs’ house and enters. He scans his surroundings. SQUIDWARD: Well um… this house is… something. Squidward sits on Mr.Krabs’ wicker chair and decides he wants to use the TV to watch Interpretative Dance Programs. He takes note that the entertainment is a very small box shaped TV with a crank. SQUIDWARD(criticizing the old TV): Mind graduating from the 1950’s Eugene? Squidward reluctantly walks up and cranks the TV but sees that he can only get three, non expensive, boring town announcement channels, a Krusty Krab advertisement channel, & anything else is static. SQUIDWARD: Oh phooey! Pearl then walks into the living room and notices Squidward. PEARL: Ugly Squid Guy?! SQUIDWARD: Oh barnacles! I forgot about Mr.Krabs’ teenage whale brat! Mr.Krabs enters Squidward’s bedroom and is ready to turn in for the night. MR.KRABS: Squidward has real cloth for a blanket instead of a used torn up sail?! How does he not run out of money?! Wow! Before Mr.Krabs could retire for the night, he hears a loud crash. MR.KRABS: Oh deficit! A prowler! Mr.Krabs grabs a lamp to use as a weapon and slowly begins making his way to the source of the crash. PEARL: What are you doing in this house?! SQUIDWARD: I made a bet with Eugene H. Cheapskates to swap roles where he stays at my house and I stay at his and to see how each other’s lives are different from our own? So now, what do you need Pearl, I suspect teenagers like writing love letters, I did back in the 80’s when I was your age. PEARL: Um no, nobody writes love letters or letters in general anymore. This is the digital age! We now smart text each other or use facetime to say all that lovey dovey stuff. SQUIDWARD: You in a relationship right now? PEARL: I just broke up with my fifth boyfriend in two days. My sixth is due any day now. SQUIDWARD: Oh well I don’t care anyways. Wait, you were just talking about smartphones earlier? Does your Dad have WiFi here? PEARL: Ha nope, he wouldn’t even spend his cash if I had somehow landed in the Hospital. He even said so himself! SQUIDWARD: Sleazebag PEARL: Agreed SQUIDWARD: Well um is there anything I can do for you? I suspect Krabsy Cakes at least does some stuff for you. Pearl thinks about her recent nights which were all antisocial since Mr.Krabs refused her to see more boys and friends. She decides to take advantage of this sudden freedom. PEARL: Well he does allow me to invite boys and my girl buddies to the house! SQUIDWARD: I hate parties. PEARL: Well I live here and Dad is at your house right now so I rule the roost at the moment, sorry! Squidward gets a bit angry and is forced to nod. Pearl celebrates and goes to call her friends. SQUIDWARD: And I thought we had common interests! Squidward slumps in the chair not looking forward to being the awkward introvert among 16 year olds. Mr.Krabs slides down the stairs armed with a lamp ready to bust the prowler. However he then puts it down when he sees Patrick relaxing on Squidward’s Porcelain couch eating a candy bar, getting the chocolate chips smeared all over it and watching a creepy TV feature. MR.KRABS: Patrick?! PATRICK: Oh hey Mr. Money Dude! Don’t mind me! I’m just watching Squidward’s TV! MR.KRABS: Why are you watching your neighbor’s TV? What about your own? PATRICK: My power’s out, I found my breaker in the Off position! MR.KRABS: But you can just turn it… ugh.. never mind. Mr.Krabs takes a seat next to Patrick. PATRICK: So where’s Old Man Squidward at? He would’ve been chasing me out with his gardening tools by now. MR.KRABS: He’s at my house right now. We made a bet to switch lives for the night and see how different they really arrr. Do you do this nightly? PATRICK: Only on Sunday MR.KRABS: But today’s Wednesday. PATRICK: And tomorrow is Monday! Mr.Krabs looks a bit annoyed. MR.KRABS: Good observation. As Patrick & Mr.Krabs continue to watch TV, they hear loud shrieks. MR.KRABS: WHAT IN TARNATION IS THAT?! PATRICK: Oh that is just Spongebob! He always has to treat his mucous glands at this hour every night! You get used to it! MR.KRABS: But I never went through this before! PATRICK: Sweet! A newbie! Well enjoy then! Patrick continues to watch his horror show and screams whenever zombies show up. Mr.Krabs tries to get through Patrick’s screams & Spongebob mucous shrieks. A knock sounds at Mr.Krabs’ house. Pearl opens it and entering is loads of boy Anchovies. They accidentally knock Squidward to the floor while he was reading a TV Guide due to their big masses. SQUIDWARD: Ugh! Ah! Pearl! I said invite 10 people! Not 1000! PEARL: Another rule here at the Krabs household is to always multiply the rules by a 100! Simple math Squidward! SQUIDWARD: What?! PEARL: Now can you go down to the Root Beer Cellar and get my friends & I some cups of the drink. Mr.Krabs always makes sure we get our correct intake every night! SQUIDWARD: Are you serious?! PEARL: Very serious! Squidward has to crawl his way through the hordes of Anchovies to get to the basement hatch. SQUIDWARD: I hate Mr.Krabs’ life! MR.KRABS: I hate Squidward’s life! Mr.Krabs blocks his ears but finally unblocks when Spongebob’s horrific shrieks finally end as does Patrick’s horror program. PATRICK: Man I love Dead Reckoning Jager Man Jensens! MR.KRABS: Good for you Pat, now can you go so I can get some sleep? PATRICK: I have to cook myself up some supper first! Patrick proceeds to raid through Squidward’s cabinets. MR.KRABS: Oh woe is me!! Mr.Krabs sulks to the floor as his nightmare continues. Squidward finally arrives at the hatch pushing over any Anchovy he comes across. He proceeds down into the Root Beer Cellar. SQUIDWARD: Ugh! And I hate root beer! And this is the only available beverage here! Squidward goes to fill up some cups for Pearl & her friends. However when he arrives at the root beer tanks, he sees all of them sealed with locks & other covers. SQUIDWARD: This predicament is worse than my two idiot neighbors using my Stove while I’m sleeping! MR.KRABS: This predicament is worse than Pearl trying to steal me root beer! Mr.Krabs then walks up to see Patrick trying to make some soup. MR.KRABS: Do ye even have the slightest clue how to make this? PATRICK: Yep! The Patrick Secret Formula! Watch! Patrick gets out a roll of toilet paper and throws it into the pot as soon as the water begins to boil. MR.KRABS: Toilet paper?! PATRICK: Two ply toilet paper! Patrick then dumps all of the capsules of imported spices Squidward has into the pots and adds a tub of cheese. PATRICK: Of Cheesy Goodness! Patrick finally finishes his recipe by adding some Kelpa Cola into the pot. MR.KRABS: This is the definition of repulsive. PATRICK: I know! And it's wicked awesome! Mr.Krabs sighs and continues to watch Patrick stir & cook his “meal.” Squidward finally resurfaces upstairs managing to have gotten at least one tank open, the smallest one. SQUIDWARD: Now with my remaining dignity! I must hit the haysack Pearl! PEARL: Okay, good luck! Squidward ascends the rope ladder to the second floor. PEARL: You’ll need it! SQUIDWARD: I need nothing! Squidward enters Mr.Krabs’ bedroom and slams his door shut. Squidward lays down on the hammock bed. SQUIDWARD: The sooner this night of terror ends the better! Squidward covers himself with the torn up sail of a blanket but before he can snooze away, he feels itchy spots followed by more and more. SQUIDWARD: Ugh! Why am I so itchy?! Squidward then lifts his blanket and much to his horror sees colony after colony of sea urchins everywhere. An infestation which Mr.Krabs refuses to pay an exterminator to rid of. SQUIDWARD: AAHHHHHH!!! FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS GOOD! NOOOOO!!!!! THAT’S IT, I AM OUT OF THIS PLACE OF INFAMY! Squidward bolts out the window and hightails it through the landscape. Patrick finishes cooking his meal and makes two plates, one for him and one for Mr.Krabs. PATRICK: Enjoy! Mr.Krabs looks at his meal which is very soggy toilet paper, burnt cheese, non existent spices & the juices of a subpar cola. MR.KRABS: This looks worse than the specials of the Chum Bucket. Yeah! That’s a comparison! Mr.Krabs takes a forkful of this abomination and after much hesitation, he tastes it and as expected, vomit. MR.KRABS: Ughh, ah no! UHH! AGHHHH! I’M GONNA KEEL OVER! PATRICK: What does keel over mean? Mr.Krabs thinks about this horrible meal, Patrick’s prowler power & Shrieking Spongebob. MR.KRABS: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Mr.Krabs bolts out the door not taking it anymore. Spongebob hears this and looks out his bedroom window. SPONGEBOB: Mr.Krabs wait! I’m sorry! Don’t go!!… Barnacles! …. I will apologize in the morning… poor guy…. well night I guess ay Gary? GARY: Meow Spongebob shuts his window and goes to bed. Squidward continues to run as does Mr.Krabs. Both then smack into each other on accident. SQUIDWARD: Mr.Krabs! MR.KRABS: Mr.Squidward! SQUIDWARD: I am so sorry for ever doubting you! Your life is tough! I can see why you are such a cheapskate now! It helps you cope! MR.KRABS: Your dance programs must be your relief hour! Cause, the boy and his starfish are everything I had ever feared! Please take your life back! SQUIDWARD: Only if you take yours back! MR.KRABS: In a heartbeat! SQUIDWARD: Then it's done. Good night Mr.Krabs and make sure to withstand Pearl, her Anchovies & the colony of urchins! MR.KRABS: And good night to ye as well! Expect some abomination soup and an idiotic starfish to await ye! Squidward & Mr.Krabs run off to their houses but then realize what awaits them, and are not fazed. SQUIDWARD & MR.KRABS: It's good to go home! Category:SquidwardTentacles35